Jake & I scootered over to Elana's mom's place yesterday to celebrate his 5th birthday. And a couple days before that, we took a bus out to my parents for another celebration. Both times, it didn't feel right that Elana wasn't there.
The whole month my wife was sick in hospital, I kept telling her that she was going to get better for Jake's birthday. That we would throw a big double-party for her & Jake. I also know that if Elana had been in charge of things, she would've for sure had a separate third party planned just for kids / Jake's younger friends.
Alas, there was only two small parties. And while they were nice, again, it felt like Elana should have been there. We definitely all missed her powerful voice, as she was always the only one amongst us capable of singing the "Happy Birthday Song"
with actual melody. I really missed her physical
presence. I missed hearing her conversation, her laugh. And I miss coming up behind her wheelchair and wrapping my arms around her neck. Bending my head down to smell her hair, then kiss her forehead and lips. I miss all of that, and more. My heart aches ... feels heavy ... pained.
It doesn't seem right that for every day, week, & month that Elana isn't here, it's a steady stream of moment upon moments that she misses out, doesn't get to see or participate in. It doesn't feel right that she's gone. Of course, part of me wants Elana back here for selfish reasons. I miss her: plain and simple. But even more than that, it just doesn't seem fair to Jake or to Elana herself. Jake misses out on having a mommy, and Elana misses out on continuing to be one. I can't help but think that ten years from now, Jake will have forgotten her ... or at least large parts of her. And that's sad because Elana loved being a mommy. Five years doesn't seem long enough. I mean, sure, Elana gave Jake a good five years and a solid foundation. And as I said in my previous post
, Elana planted many very important first seeds for Jake. I know it. I know. But it doesn't seem right that I'm still here and my wife isn't.
My sister says that I'm having "survivor's guilt", and perhaps I am. But Elana was a passionate mother. Between the two of us, she was the better parent. I'm not being humble, merely stating a fact. If God had given me the choice, I would gladly trade places with Elana now. Without the slightest hesitation, I would do it. A friend asked me if I was angry at God. I answered honestly: absolutely not. How could I possibly be angry at God when He was the one who had given me Elana in the first place?
"The Lord gives, and the Lord taketh away" (Job 1:21, KJV).
Mostly, God gives. Any blessing I have ever received comes from Him. Elana was my biggest blessing by far. Yes, my twelve years with her was too short but I am still so thankful for all the time that I did
have with her. So many people will never experience the love Elana & I shared. It truly was a match made in Heaven. God had chosen for us. It's not what either Elana or I would have picked for ourselves because we both already knew that dealing with a physical disability every day was hard. Dealing with two
was completely impractical. But God knew what we needed
... while still giving us everything we ever wanted
. In the end, we fell in love in spite of our disabilities. In the end, love trumped all.
So no, I am most definitely not angry at God. I am still sad though. Sad that I don't get to smell Elana's hair anymore. Sad that Jake didn't get to keep his mommy and that he may eventually forget her. And yes, sad that Elana couldn't continue on as a mommy.
Unfortunately, I can't change my reality. I can't change what happened. God is the author of everything, the beginning and the end. All I can do now is move forward. Try to carry on as best I possibly can.
For Elana, for Jake, and for me.